Sexual Balance – Sexual Questions

You may have questions from the previous two pages, including from the two “In essence” statements. Here are those statements again:

  • Sexual intercourse between a married couple who love each other is sacred and wonderful.
  • If you do not have a high sex drive, you are not abnormal. It may be a blessing in disguise, depending on your circumstance.

These two statements beg several “Yes, but what if …” questions:

What if we’re not married?


If you’re a couple that’s not married but want children, then here are some thoughts on marriage. Marriage has some really great advantages, especially for the precious child you want to bring into this world. Secondly, marriage is a sacred ritual and a great help in preparing for the marriage of our soul to God, which is the spiritual destiny of us all. It is also sanctified by God and the marriage ceremony gives a spiritual circle of protection for the couple and their family.

If you don’t want a child, then it would be good to clarify what exactly you want to get out of sex. As mentioned in the section on this subject on the Key Issues page, this is not a simple issue. To say that it’s just one of the necessary ingredients in life, like taking vitamins, is not accurate. What IS necessary is love, and sex is a very powerful and wonderful way to express and to share love. But true love is love for the soul, the person inside the body, not love for the sexual act itself. Sex is not the only way to express your deepest love for someone. Each relationship is different, and it may become apparent that the more you love the soul behind the body, the better it would be to wait until you are married before starting a sexual relationship.

It has become very acceptable today for people to have sex outside of marriage. Often our youth are encouraged more to use contraceptives than to use the ultimate oral contraceptive of saying “No thanks.” If you’re a teenager, don’t give in to peer pressure to lose your virginity for the sake of popularity, self-worth, the fear of being made fun of or whatever. You are already extremely worthy, and you have a unique and vital mission to fulfill in this life. This world is in a mess in many areas, and if your mission is not clear to you now, it will become clear in time. Getting into sex now can really screw things up for you.

As for sex being vital to healthy living, the fact is that many wonderful and healthy people, some who have left inspiring legacies behind them, have followed celibate or partly celibate lifestyles. However, celibacy in itself is no indication that someone is healthy or spiritual. Some follow it purely out of fear, which is a very unhealthy motive. But if you follow it through self-control out of love for doing what is best for you and others, it can be a great blessing. This might well be balanced with periods of sex, depending largely on the needs and sexual compatibility of your partner.


Taking responsibility for your situation.


If you are in a sexual relationship and not married, it’s good to consider all of the possibilities right at the beginning and be prepared to take responsibility for them. According to most religions, you are already making karma, or in a state of sin. But it could get worse. If you make a mistake or unnecessarily hurt or burden your partner, be prepared to make amends. Even though they are not your spouse, the law of karma is still active. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!


The potential negative karma you can make if the lady partner conceives a child is way higher, depending on your response to this situation. Even if you are both using some form of contraceptive, ‘accidents’ happen. And no child is ever conceived ‘by accident’ as every new life is blessed by God, and ‘every hair on our head is counted.’ If you decide to then get married and raise that child well, you could potentially balance a ton of previous karma. And if you choose the opposite direction, the opposite is probably likely. Adoption is another viable alternative. (For more on the pro-life/pro-choice subject, see the Balancing the Abortion Debate page and the poem The Choice. There are also many other resources, like the book Wanting to be Born – The Cry of the Soul by Dr. Neroli Duffy.)


Celibacy: The higher way at a lower price.


The other alternative to having sex outside of marriage is celibacy. This may sound impractical and even tortuous to some, but it can be the open door to a whole new level of being and quality of relationship. It doesn’t mean the end of relationships, depending on your definition of celibacy. In the East it is known as Brahmacharya, which is defined as: Celibacy; a life of self-discipline and continence dedicated to higher pursuits. The broadest sense is just no sexual intercourse. But practically speaking, it is not engaging in any sexual activity, including masturbation.

Without sex you can still have a wonderful, fun-filled friendship relationship with someone, providing they are committed to the same level of celibacy. Such a relationship is without the distraction of always thinking about the sex that would possibly come at the end of each time together. Without lust dragging you down, your experience with the opposite sex can bloom. And you won’t be making the karma of sex outside of marriage. But the key is your attitude and motive. If your main intent is to love God in all of his manifestations, including in the precious character traits of your partner, then you have a much better chance of doing what is best for both of you in the long term.


What about masturbation?


Masturbation is widely accepted and even taught in many places as a healthy release of excess sexual energy. But it is still diverting the Kundalini into the lower energy centres as opposed to raising it up the spine and transforming it into creative vitality. The Transformation Exercises section will give you many keys on how to do this. If it has become addictive, then like any other addiction, it may be linked to discarnate entities, as mentioned on the Spiritual Balance page, and stopping it will require great effort and determination. But you can do it. Also, don’t condemn yourself for the past. We are sometimes our own worst enemies, and guilt and self-condemnation are self-destructive. If you have a problem with self-condemnation, there are some keys in the section “The balance between self-worth and humility” also on the Spiritual Balance page.


What is “normal” and what is the ideal?


Although openness and non-suppression today is better than the rigid fear-based conservatism of the chastity belt era, todays social problems like unwanted teenage pregnancies are definitely not the ideal. So what is the ideal? This is largely a personal opinion, but according to some, we are operating and living way below the level we could be.


Ideal examples


One part of the book A Dweller On Two Planets by Phylos the Thibetan describes how life was in the ancient land of Suern, in the time of Atlantis. Through certain disciplines, continence and self-control, the people were able to precipitate their food out of “thin air”. But most of them disliked the “inconvenience” of the disciplines. Those who were dedicated to them and progressed further gained great spiritual attainment and powers, and used them to the glory of God. They were called the Sons of the Solitude (a generic name for the sons and daughters of the Solitude). One of them, the Rai Ernon, the ruler of Suern, walked out empty handed to an advancing army that was intent in conquering his nation. He warned them several times, then conquered them with a prayer and a swipe of his hand.


The first half of the book describes the life of the main character, Zailm, on Atlantis. The second half describes him reincarnated in the United States in the mid-nineteenth century as Walter Pierson. He was not one of the Sons of the Solitude, but was aspiring to be one. At one point he gets taken in his spiritual body to the planet Venus, where a magnificent, virtually ideal civilization lives. It is a very inspiring book, with great spiritual depth. It is amazing how far below our true potential we are operating at on earth today. What we call “normal”, constantly pursuing the satisfaction of our carnal appetites, is totally abnormal and self-limiting when looked at from a different perspective. Another great source of inspiration is the section The Ideal Society in chapter 3 of the book Climb the Highest Mountain by Mark and Elizabeth Prophet (Summit University Press). It describes how life was on earth with the first 3 “root races”, which were “golden ages”. The fall of Adam and Eve only occurred during the fourth root race.


Ideal and obtainable.


Redirecting the sacred fire into creative activities instead of indulgent ones is much easier if we are taught it from a young age. It is the role of parents, not school teachers, to teach “sex education”. Most of our youth today are taught indulgence, to just use contraceptives to make it “safe”, then it’s okay. Self-control seems to be portrayed as an unrealistic, unobtainable goal, which is totally false and lowers society to the standard of the lowest common denominator. Gandhi once said: “I want to revert to the subject of birth control by contraceptives. It is dinned into one’s ears that the gratification of the sex urge is a solemn obligation …. I venture to suggest that this is a most dangerous doctrine to preach anywhere; …. If satisfaction of the sex urge is a duty, the unnatural vice and several other ways of gratification would be commendable.” (Page 104, All Men Are Brothers by Mahatma Gandhi, Continuum, New York, 1987). We have been conditioned by this contraceptive doctrine to become slaves to our sensual appetites, which is discussed in depth in the section “What is the Nature of Sexual Desire?”


The only way to raise our social and moral standards is to teach the truth that self-control is not only possible but greatly rewarding. Some say it is only for monks and nuns, and that it is easier for them, as they are shielded from many temptations. This view assumes that self-control is based on suppression of sexual energy, which it is not. It is not achieved by avoiding contact with the opposite sex, but by training yourself to see them for what they really are. They are not an object for lust but a great immortal Spirit housed in a dense and often limiting physical body. Normally most of their talent and potential is not immediately evident, but on an inner spiritual level they are a magnificent being, as you are.


We should therefore approach them with great respect and appreciation, plus compassion for all their burdens and scars they might have picked up along life’s way. Then our main desire when being with them will be to experience more of God. This includes finding out and acknowledging their gifts, and learning from them. It includes loving their soul, not just their body. This can be done many ways, including deep non-judgemental listening, encouragement and support. The best way to love them will come naturally when our intent is not to see what we can get from the relationship, but what we can give. If this is what our children get taught, many of our social problems will fade away. This is the ideal, which hopefully will one day be the norm. But it is definitely obtainable.


Good role models are sorely lacking today. And old role models are either not that popular, considered outdated or seen as the exception to the rule. But they are not exceptions. The main purpose of most of them was to show us a higher way, which with practice can become “normal”. These are obtainable goals. Jesus did not avoid contact with the opposite sex but saw them for who they really were. And he said: “The things I have done shall ye do also, and greater things than these shall ye do …” There are countless other good role models, whose examples were not only for their own time but for eternity. Even in this century, Gandhi said: “It is wrong to call me an ascetic. The ideals that regulate my life are presented for acceptance by mankind in general. I have arrived at them by gradual evolution.” (Page 105, All Men Are Brothers.) Remember that Gandhi was not a monk but a married man. The concept of evolution is also important. If children are taught self-control from the start, they will not need such a strong will like Gandhi, but grow into it more naturally.


The bottom line is this: Whatever we set our minds to, we can become, especially when others have done it before. The ideal today can become what will be called normal in the future. Many souls are catching on and realizing that integrity, self-control and mutual respect is the way of the future for healthy relationships and a healthy society. It just needs each of us to take responsibility and start the change ourselves, one by one.


What if I’m LGBTQ+?


As spiritual beings, we all have masculine and feminine energies within us. Many people adamantly resist this truth, especially macho men and overly-dainty women. But they often have the most problems when it comes to lasting relationships. John A. Sanford addresses our androgynous nature in his excellent book The Invisible Partners: How the Male and Female in Each of Us Affects Our Relationships. Carl Jung termed these elements the anima and animus. It’s a complex subject, but in essence, when we suppress or don’t acknowledge certain aspects of our being which are necessary in experiencing wholeness or balance (like the more feminine qualities of gentleness and compassion in a man), then our subconscious projects it onto those of the opposite sex. Sanford says: “Consequently these projected images have a magnetic effect on us, and the person who carries the projection will tend to greatly attract or repel us just as a magnet attracts or repels another metal. This leads to all kinds of complications in relationships.” (6) Jesus revealed his feminine side when he said: “…how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!” (Mat 23:37)


What happens in homosexuality is a complex subject. It seems at first to be a reversing of these dynamics, projecting the anima or animus onto the same sex. But there are many more issues involved. For instance, Dr. Marilyn Barrick Ph.D says in her book The Sacred Psychology of Love: “Sometimes we have difficulty identifying with our same sex or relating to the opposite sex out of issues of abandonment, rejection, abuse or trauma in this or past lives. Men may seek a relationship with another man to discover their manhood or to be lovingly fathered. Women may turn to one another in search of loving mothering or a gentle relationship. The bottom line is that when we live a lifestyle that overemphasizes our physical gender (by choosing sexual partners of the same sex), we end up excluding the other half of ourselves and have less of a sense of spirituality.” (7) Dr. Barrick’s book also explains the androgynous nature and mystical origin of our soul, and is a great resource for pursuing a loving relationship.


Therefore, from a spiritual perspective, homosexuality is not very conducive to balance or wholeness. It also tends to put a lot of focus on sexual activity, which binds us to our lower animal nature, which hinders us in becoming the magnificent being who we all are in essence, our Real Self as discussed on the Spiritual Balance page. And as discussed on the page Balancing Our 4 Bodies, whatever hinders us spiritually eventually cycles down to hinder us mentally, emotionally and physically, which cycles back to hinder us spiritually in a vicious circle. Even if the spiritual aspect is totally excluded from the equation, homosexuality still keeps people preoccupied with an almost unquenchable desire for sexual experience, with its accompanying dangers like STDs.


The intent of this website is not to criticize nor condemn, but to help people grow, to become balanced and unfold their amazing and unlimited potential. Our Real Self is already balanced and whole. The goal of life is for our soul to learn and grow and eventually unite with that Real Self. We all have many precious talents and gifts to share with this world, regardless of our race, creed or sexual orientation. But we shall be known by the fruits of our actions. The way in which we use our sacred (including sexual) energy each day will determine our true progress. This sacred energy is discussed in the section “What is the nature of sexual desire” on the Key Issues page. If we are really serious about being who we really are and fulfilling the deep yearning of our soul and our mission in this life, then hopefully we will be prepared to go through what it takes to conserve and use our energy wisely. This may mean working on healing certain aspects of our psychology, which we all need to do at times. It includes overcoming guilt and condemnation of ourselves and others, regardless of our sexual orientation.


Continue on to the Transformation Exercises page.